Category: Microsoft

Well done, great Satan!

Nice ads from Microsoft.

The Macalope has been awfully critical of Microsoft’s marketing for, oh, ever. So he thought he should give the company some credit for its new Internet Explorer campaign (tip o’ the antlers to Daring Fireball). It explains why IE is better and it’s really quite funny. Although the Macalope could have done without the vomit, even that one was amusing for the copiously long beep.

At the end of the day, of course, it’s still Internet Explorer. When the Macalope says the ads explain why Internet Explorer 8 is better, he means they’re really explaining why it’s better than earlier versions of Internet Explorer. What’s the outdated browser they’re talking about in the first one? It ain’t Safari, sister.

But this is marketing. And, for the most part, it’s marketing done right, very much on a par with the “I’m a Mac” ads. The only quibble might be the fact that the jokes are at the expense of the people the ads are ostensibly trying to reach, but it’s a fairly obvious conceit. And people really do want to share things, protect their browsing and keep up to date on multiple sites. So the Macalope thinks it works.

What?

No, he’s not drunk.

Well, not really drunk, anyway.

Not talkin' 'bout a revolution

InfoWorld’s Neil McAllister gives netbooks a serious fluffing in his piece called “The shape of the coming netbook revolution”.

For example, did you know that netbooks are…

Cheap, portable and packed with features that cater to Net-savvy consumers…

“Packed with features”? Ah, like email and a web browser and… a screen… and, er… that other thing.

And “Net-savvy”? Really? Did you write that? Because, wow.

To support his trite argument about how super-cool netbooks are, MacAllister links to a piece on a ChangeWave survey that shows that given the choice between netbooks and oxygen, they’ll take the netbook, thank you very much, where the following can be found:

Increased notebook demand could mean good news for Apple Inc., whose market share has been slipping, according to ChangeWave, partly because it does not offer a cheap option such as a netbook.

The link here is to a piece on another ChangeWave survey (not market share analysis) of future buying preferences. It says fewer people ChangeWave surveyed said they were going to buy Macs and while that might be predictive of market share, that’s not market share. The Macalope’s not even sure if ChangeWave does market share analysis. They mostly do surveys.

But back to MacAllister who tells us what is it about these netbooks that make them so hot, hot, hot.

Netbooks’ tiny screens and cramped keyboards can be fatiguing to use for long periods, and their low-power processors struggle under heavy workloads. Business users will be dismayed by their lack of security features… And with their closed hardware designs and limited drive space, most models have short upgrade lifecycles.

Oh, Neil. You had the Macalope at tiny screens.

Flush with their intial successes, however, manufacturers have responded to these complaints with variations on the original theme. … Both Asus and Acer plan to ship netbooks with 11.6-inch screens in the near future. … Some models list for $700 or more, leaving many customers wondering where the netbook category ends and where laptops begin.

So the main appeal of netbooks is they’re small and cheap, but the problem with them is that they’re small and cheap. So companies are responding to criticism by making them larger and more expensive, effectively turning them back into notebooks.

But, still…

Netbooks! Whaa-hoo! Wave of the future! Number one! McAllister can see your house from up here!

And, hey, who ordered the IT industry group think?

A Linux-based UI may not cut it for day-to-day business computing, but for limited Web access, file viewing, and communications it should be more than adequate for most users.

Oh, really?

Look, the Linux UI is as exciting as dried toast, but is it any worse than XP, which is the operating system most businesses run (now available as a downgrade from Vista for only $50 more!)?

And how ludicrous is this complaint about the Linux desktop in a piece about netbooks? “Here’s your netbook with the glorious XP desktop from two thousand fricking one, business user! Enjoy the cramped keyboard and the tiny screen!” Right. Linux is really the drawback.

OK, this isn’t a horrible piece, it’s just silly. All this prostrating at the holy church of the netbook just strikes the Macalope as the latest technology industry paean to the flavor of the day. Remember net PCs and how we were all going to be using thin clients and, jeez, Apple better make one of those soon or it’s DOOOOMED?

Netbooks are simply cheap little laptops. But someone decided to slap the name “netbook” on them and pretend they’re some kind of innovation other than the same forces that have been at work in computers since the ENIAC, driving size and cost down. At least the net PC represented a new paradigm (or a return to an old paradigm).

This is not a “revolution”. It’s simple evolution. Cheap, plasticy evolution.

No, no, no

Look, let the Macalope show you how this is done.

WRONG: Roger Kay’s Microsoft-sponsored “Apple tax” analysis is out of line! Let me show you a detailed analysis of how he pads and distorts the costs!

RIGHT: Microsoft has boxed itself into a corner of expensive, nonsensical and uncompelling upgrade paths and is behaving like a spoiled child because its customers have started realizing they don’t have to use Windows. They know it and Roger Kay knows it. If they spent half the time they spend filling out fake tax forms and paying actresses to buy their products actually making a good user experience, they might be able to speak about value with an iota of credibility. But probably not.

See the difference?

ADDENDUM: Just to be clear, this is not a rational argument they’re trying to make, so don’t treat it like one. Don’t waste your time refuting horse shit. When someone calls you a name, you don’t say “Am not!” You say “Yeah? That’s not what your mother said while I was…” Etc.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.

Your retail strategy appears to suck

In what seems like nothing more than a lame “me-too”, Microsoft is set to open retail stores. Unless they’re going to work with some hardware vendors to sell complete package solutions, the Macalope is having a hard time seeing how a store that sells nothing but software is going to do any better than, say, Egghead.

If you don’t remember Egghead, go ask your parents.

But, like the horny one noted, they could work around that.

The real kiss of doom is who they’ve picked to head up the effort. When Apple decided to open retail stores, it plucked Ron Johnson from Target and put the CEO of the Gap on its board. Who did Microsoft pick?

Porter has been head of worldwide product distribution for Dreamworks Animation SKG since 2007, but before that, he spent 25 years at Wal-Mart Stores. His last position there was vice president and general merchandise manager of entertainment.

Correct the Macalope if he’s wrong, but Dreamworks doesn’t have any retail stores other than, he would imagine, a few company stores. And, while some readers might not see the difference between Wal-Mart and Target, the horny one assures you it’s there.

It’s possible to still make a nice retail experience with these building blocks and Microsoft will assuredly throw a bazillion dollars into it, but right now this doesn’t exactly give off the sweet smell of success.