Fool.

Or, too many jackasses for one week.

Does anyone read anymore?

After the Macalope took George Ou to task for his paranoid and patently false rantings and Mr. Gruber did the same, the horny one hardly expected to see them uncritically reported elsewhere.

And yet they were.

The first incident was by a goofball that even the Macalope — who covers the goofball beat — won’t touch.

There is considerable irony in a blogger uncritically repeating and boosting false information in a post where he’s taking another blogger to task for… uncritically repeating and boosting false information.

That’s kind of the textbook example of irony, actually.

The second is Seth Jayson at the Motley Fool (tip o’ the antlers to several readers who emailed this in).

There’s a large and tangled web here, but according to ZD Net’s George Ou, the effort to smear the computer security researchers was led by none other than Apple PR director Lynn Fox, aided and abetted by the brittle, easily fooled iSheep at Slashdot and Digg.

Mmm. Well, according to one of the two victims of Ou’s bizarre vendetta, Ou has no idea what the hell he’s talking about. So…

This comes from a company that’s proven to be unbelievably adept at marketing, beginning with its adoption of the MP3 player technology that others pioneered, and the successful creation of the mass fiction that it invented the concept.

The word is “reinvented”, dumbass. Apple reinvented the computer, it reinvented the MP3 player and it reinvented the phone.

It even says that in their marketing materials:

Apple ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II and reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh.

Reinvented.

This is, after all, the same company that whitewashed a large options-backdating scandal, giving a free pass to CEO Steve Jobs for the bogus excuse that he didn’t understand the accounting implications.

Is it bogus? The Macalope suspects it is, but he doesn’t know. And neither do you.

Jayson also reaches back to a year ago when Apple fired an employee who jokingly waxed poetic about long hold times for support calls. Does the Macalope think that was the right thing to do? No.

But waaaaiiiiit fooooooor iiiiiiit…

Because, to its credit, the Motley Fool posts the portfolio of each of its writers. Jayson holds no AAPL, but he does hold MSFT.

Surprise!

Well, it’s probably because Microsoft never axed anyone for image reasons.

Cough.

The Macalope holds an inconsequential number of Apple shares.

Nazi Apple supermen are our superiors

George Ou is wrong again. You’re right, that’s not news.

[ADDENDUM: A commenter rightly questions the use of the word “Nazi” in this post (the title is a riff on a gag from the Simpsons). The Macalope uses the word deliberately as a response to Ou’s comparison of Apple to Joseph Goebbels.

Ou’s comparison is absurd, insulting and trivializes what the Nazis did.

The Macalope thought about the implications of using the Nazi comparison throughout, but wanted to drive home the point. He hopes you understand.]

Following up on his successes yesterday, George Ou keys what should be called “Artie MacStrawman in Nuremberg” and will probably cause Macalope readers to hemorrhage out their eyeballs because, yes, we’re still talking about the wireless controversy!

The Macalope is terribly, terribly sorry. But, in for a penny…

Last summer when I wrote “Vicious orchestrated assault on MacBook wireless researchers”, it set off a long chain of heated debated [sic] and blogs. I had hoped to release the information on who orchestrated the vicious assault, but threats of lawsuits and a spineless company that refused to defend itself meant I couldn’t disclose the details.

Ah, we’re already off to a good start.

The problem with Ou’s entire premise — that Lynn Fox is a Nazi propagandist and has been whispering nothing but sweet, sweet lies into Mac users’ ears — is that he thinks Mac users can’t read.

Everyone simply assumed Maynor and Ellch were frauds because they supposedly “admitted it.”

No, George, “everyone” did not assume that. “Many” may have assumed that or “some” may have assumed that, but most simply thought that they might be frauds because they kept changing their story.

Ou has a particular beef with two pieces — one by Jim Dalrymple at Macworld and one by David Chartier at The Unofficial Apple Weblog — which he thinks were “hit pieces” all but commissioned by Lynn Fox and part of Steve “Call me Adolf!” Jobs’ master plan to take over the Internets by blitzkrieg.

The Macalope doesn’t recall reading Dalrymple’s piece at the time, but he did read Chartier’s piece and he knew it was wrong when he read it — Secureworks was not admitting anything — because he read the disclaimer on their web site. Chartier is a good blogger and the Macalope thoroughly enjoys TUAW, but that particular post assumed too much.

Ou wonders:

But did Chartier really just happen to come across the evidence?

Ou is clearly skeptical that Chartier would be able to type “www.secureworks.com” into his browser. The Macalope is not going to contest this particular point, but he will note that if you read the post Chartier ends with a thank-you to “NotVeryPC”. Why, maybe that’s Lynn Fox’s secret code name! Personally, the Macalope would have thought it would be something like “AppleFoxy” or “CleverLikeAFox”, but that’s exactly what she wants you to think!

Ou believes Chartier was fed erroneous and/or misleading information from Fox which he then — being the good German Artie MacStrawman blogger that he must be to keep Ou’s fantasy view of the Mac web whole — mindlessly regurgitated to please his Cupertino masters.

When I called David Maynor to get to the bottom of this, it turned out that Apple PR director Lynn Fox (who was also cited by Jim Dalyrimple [sic] as proof that the researchers “misrepresented” the research) was the puppetmaster from start to finish.

So, you called David Maynor and he said Fox was unleashing her Mac blogger Luftwaffe. Gotcha. No, no! That’s good enough for the Macalope!

And, dude, you did not just write “puppetmaster”, did you?! That is awesome.

She not only contacted sympathetic bloggers like Chartier and “journalists” like Jim Dalrymple, she was actually the one that got SecureWorks to publish the “clarification” in the first place.

Wow. George seems pretty sure of himself.

But the Macalope decided to check. He asked Chartier if he’d ever been contacted by Lynn Fox about this and here’s what he said via email:

What a riot: no, I have never been contacted by Fox or anyone else from Apple regarding any of this stuff. In fact, I’m not even receiving those post-support call surveys or notices that my Mac warranties are about to expire and that AppleCare is an affordable way to stay within Apple’s graces.

Huh. Well, how about that?

Ou also pointed his tin-foil hat in the Macalope’s direction in those halcyon days of late summer but, for the record, the Macalope has never been contacted by Apple PR, Lynn Fox, Steve Jobs, Joseph Gerbils [sic] or anyone qualified to speak in any official capacity about Apple.

Ou appears to be hinting — as only Ou can appear to hint — that Fox confirmed that she contacted both Dalrymple and Chartier with the express purpose of goin’ all Leni Riefenstahl on their asses.

When I finally got Fox back on the phone, I asked her some questions about how MacWorld [sic] and the unofficial Apple blog [sic] got the information on the so-called confession. I got all my questions answered, but I can’t disclose what she said since Fox refused to speak on the record. But the bottom line is that Lynn Fox played Jim Dalrymple, David Chartier, and the rest of the Mac press/blogosphere like a violin, though it was clear they were all willing participants.

Ou says “yes”. Chartier says “no”.

You can guess who the Macalope believes.

But why would Chartier think all on his lonesome that Secureworks was admitting to have falsified the presentation if Frauline Fox wasn’t pulling the strings?

Well, maybe it has something to do with Brian Krebs (tip o’ the antlers to Brian Krebs Watch).

Indeed, as I reported earlier, in his hotel room on the eve of that presentation, Maynor showed me a live demo of him exploiting the built-in Macbook drivers to break into the machine from another laptop — without a third party card plugged in.

Ou doesn’t mention it, but it had already been reported that Maynor and Ellch had hacked native Airport drivers. Secureworks didn’t want to talk about the free lap dance they gave Krebs in the hotel room because they botched their delivery. They only wanted to talk about the formal Black Hat presentation. Now how could those silly Mac users get so confused when it was all so clear?!

But, shhh. George is on a roll.

Once she got SecureWorks to publish the clarification that merely reiterated the fact that third party hardware was used in the original video (which was clearly disclosed in the first 20 seconds of the video that it was third party hardware), she used that as “incriminating” evidence that the researchers admitted to falsifying the video and shared her “findings” with Apple friendly press.

Well, George, Chartier says he wasn’t contacted by Fox. And it’s at tad (read: extremely) absurd to ascribe some conspiracy theory to the fact that Dalrymple — a journalist (despite Ou’s quotes) for Macworld magazine — was in contact with Apple PR on the most significant story of last August and September.

When I pointed out the flaws in their stories, Chartier and Dalrymple simply ignored me and stuck to their guns.

This is false. Yes, Chartier’s piece is still in its original form, but you can read through Dalrymple’s piece and see if you see the word “misrepresent” (the word Ou complains about) anywhere in there. It’s not, because the piece has been corrected, which is what journalists do. But here it is six months later and Ou is still bitching about it.

The Macalope knows a lot of readers wish he’d just stop covering Ou. Isn’t the real question why ZDNet continues to let his cartoonish rantings go on?

UPDATE: David Chartier posts some thoughts and amends his original post.

Fans of the Simpsons may recognize the title of this post.

Sic

George Ou commits a humorous typo.

Admittedly, it’s a low blow to hit someone on a typo, but the Macalope just couldn’t pass this one up. Here’s George Ou complaining about Apple’s “Get a Mac” ads:

And you get your IT security information from commercials now? Yes they conveyed the idea pretty well, but then again so did Joseph Gerbils.

The Macalope’s really not sure which is funnier — the thought of rodent propagandists or unironically equating Apple to an organization that orchestrated the murder of millions.

Have you tried exorcism?

Will Dell sell Macs?!

NO.

Kris Tuttle at Seeking Alpha flogs the “Dell wants to sell Macs!” non-story.

Even though I can’t see a clear path to a deal of some sort, that comment from Michael Dell continues to haunt me.

Well, you really need to rid yourself of this appartition because while there are a dozen reasons it makes sense for Dell, there are exactly… uh, let’s see, three times four… take the derivative… carry the one… uh… zero for Apple.

Na. Gonna. Happen.

Journalists rule the world!

The Economist is teh stupid.

The Economist authors one of the stupidest pieces the Macalope has read on the options scandal (and that’s saying a lot!).

The piece pimps Larry Ribstein’s Apple Rule which states that:

The Apple Rule provides for an exception from corporate criminal liability when a popular business executive is accused of, or presides over a company that is accused of, misconduct. “Popular” is defined as “liked by journalists.”

This rule is actually just a means to an end for Ribstein, and that end is ending the criminalization of impromper backdating.

So are we going to lock up America’s most popular entrepreneurs, make untenable distinctions in who gets prosecuted, or finally understand that the criminal justice system is a wildly inappropriate way to deal with agency costs like those involved in backdating?

See, lying to your investors is just an “agency cost”!

Uh, no. The problem investors have is not with the amounts that were awarded, it’s with the fact that they weren’t disclosed.

Look, the Macalope may think that some executives are overpaid in this country, but it’s pretty much just at companies that are in the toilet, so he’s not some anti-compensation nut. He just believes that executive compensation should be properly documented and disclosed and that’s the crime we’re talking about.

Here Ribstein uncritically regurgitates the defense’s position in the Brocade case that the rule they violated was “obscure” and everything they did was “in good faith.” It’s true that in this case the defendants did not personally benefit from the improperly backdated options, but they approved scores of them and failed to report them adequately (although the defense is attempting an interesting maneuver in regard to that).

But they didn’t benefit! Well, if they’re propping up the company’s reputation by buying talent with an expensive mortgage, they could have benefitted. Also, while it’s an overblown analogy, if someone robs a bank and gives the money away, they still robbed a bank.

Getting back to the Economist, riffing Ribstein it claims that Steve Jobs has not been charged with a crime because he’s popular among journalists.

Is the basis of that premise — that he’s popular among journalists — even true? Which journalists? Surely not John Dvorak.

And even if it is, who believes U.S. attorneys really take their marching orders from journalists? Why, egotistical journalists!

Quod erat demonstrandum!

The Macalope has long subscribed the belief that the further up the journalism ladder one climbs, the more likely one is to act like one of the eponymous characters from the movie Heathers: spoiled high school girls who believe the whole world revolves around them.

Point of fact, the reason there have no charges filed against Steve Jobs is not because of his popularity. It’s probably because no one’s uncovered any evidence that he did something wrong (and please take note that this comes from a blogger who has already been on the record as suspecting that Jobs probably did do something wrong). Or it’s because Apple only finished its own investigation last quarter. Or — hey, here’s a thought — because the Bush administration recently fired Kevin Ryan, the U.S. attorney in charge of the investigation. Maybe, just maybe, the SEC and U.S. attorneys have their own set of motivations, which could include but is not limited to self promotion, timing and a wacky little thing we like to call “justice”.

Nah! It’s gotta be because some journalists likey the Steve!

The hubris on display here is truly astounding.

Still, that leaves open the question of if, and how, a business executive can get to be so popular with the media that investigators steer clear.

Wow. The editors at the Economist sure thinks a lot of their profession. In order to avoid prosecution, a CEO needs to be popular with — not shareholders, not the public, not the government — journalists.

After pumping up the importance of its own profession, the Economist concludes:

Our rule: if a criminal prosecution is likely to hurt a company’s share price, then don’t prosecute.

That’s an absurd blanket statement. God knows the Macalope’s not arguing that Steve Jobs should be sent up the river sans paddle if he were ever to be charged and convicted of attempting to increase his largesse at the expense of Apple shareholders, but Ribstein and the Economist are arguing he shouldn’t be punished at all.

There is a middle ground here and we’ve already discussed it, but the words of Alan Murray apparently bear repeating.

If Mr. Jobs participated in backdating options, he should be punished. To let him off the hook would send a terrible signal that some people are exempt from the rules or above the law.

But any punishment that hampers his ability to continue running the company would be a mistake. That is punishing the victim, and only compounds the crime.

In other words, fine him, leave him as CEO and move on.

Is the government being overzealous in its pursuit of these cases? The Macalope supposes it’s possible. But turning a blind eye to executive malfeasance isn’t exactly a solution.

The Macalope holds an inconsequential number of Apple shares.

Monkeys flinging their own poo

Enderle and some other nitwit have no compunctions about talking out their asses.

Apple TKOs Cisco in iPhone bout, analysts say.

As part of the settlement, all legal action on both sides has been dismissed, but the rest of the arrangement’s details remain confidential.

[Emphasis the Macalope’s.]

That didn’t stop analysts familiar with Apple, Cisco and the iPhone brouhaha from speculating on who won and, more important, who lost at the negotiation table.

EEEE-EEEEE-EEEE! OH-HA-HA-HA!

“The rule in Silicon Valley is that if Apple leaves the table smiling, the other guy got screwed,” said Rob Enderle, an independent analyst and principal of the Enderle Group.

OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH!

Roger Kay, of Endpoint Technologies Associates, agreed. “It certainly looks like Cisco gave away the store.”

OOH-HA-HA-HA-HOOOOOOOO!

Both Enderle and Kay said their take was based on the clear value of the iPhone name, and the vague interoperability promises made in the statement. “I’m not convinced that Cisco got what it wanted out of this,” said Enderle. In the past, he added, Apple has made promises to partners that it didn’t keep. “That’s been a history of deals with Apple. The partner always regrets it.”

OOH-HA-HA! EEE-EEE-EEE! OOH-OOH-OOH!

As usual, Enderle is talking out of orifices that were not meant for such purposes.

Cisco clearly could not have given a rat’s ass about the iPhone trademark. It Photoshopped the name on existing products to try to give the illusion that it had great big plans for it. Then it happily came to an agreement with a company that was going to put it on a landmark product that will turn Cisco’s use of the trademark into a footnote. A brief anachronism.

Do not, dear readers, shed a single tear over poor Cisco. The Macalope doesn’t know the terms of the deal any more than Enderle does, but whatever it got, it was adequately compensated for half an hour of Photoshopping.

Must the Macalope do everything?

Hopefully the final word on the 802.11n enabler charge.

The Macalope had thought the rather inconsequential business of Apple’s decision to charge for its 802.11n enabler was behind us, but two recent posts — one pro and one con — both manage to get it wrong, so he guesses he’s going to have to weigh in on the issue.

The Seattle Times’ Brier Dudley says:

…Apple said generally accepted accounting principles forced it to charge customers $1.99 for a software upgrade. Accounting standard-setters said that’s untrue.

(The Macalope may address the entirety of Dudley’s bone-headed piece in another post.)

Meanwhile, InfoWorld’s Tom Yager says:

Apple is required to charge you for the enabler. 802.11n was R & D intensive; it’s not your granny’s WiFi. You can’t amortize R & D costs against new products–in this case, AirPort Extreme and Apple TV–and then give that same R & D away somewhere else. That would create what’s called an accounting irregularity, and these aren’t popular at places like Apple and Dell just now. The only way to put 802.11n into existing Mac users’ hands was to turn it into a product against which R & D could be charged.

The Macalope knows what you’re saying to yourself. You’re saying, but, Macalope! Those can’t both be right!

(You do know the Macalope can’t hear you when you talk to your computer, right?)

So, mighty Macalope, was Apple required by GAAP to charge customers for the enabler or not?

(Still can’t hear you!)

No, technically it was not. Dudley’s statement is technically correct while Yager’s is technically incorrect.

But before you picket your local Apple Store, you should hear what Dudley jackassically fails to discuss, which Yager does get into. Because Apple’s decision suddenly makes a lot more sense when you look at what the cost to the company would have been to not charge for the enabler.

After apparently receiving some, ahem, negative feedback on his piece, Dudley defends his statement by indignantly linking to a Wall Street Journal piece and pulling a favorable quote. But he ignores one of the piece’s key grafs:

If Apple had given the enhancement away free, Apple’s auditors could have required it to restate revenue for that period and could possibly have required Apple to start in the future to defer all the revenue from computer sales until all such enhancements are shipped, this person said. That would have had a devastating impact on Apple.

Yes, Apple was technically incorrect in stating that it was “required” by GAAP to charge for the enabler. It could just have easily decided to reopen its books (for the second time in about as many months), taken a charge against prior earnings and potentially affected its future ability to recognize revenue when products ship. That sounds awesome, doesn’t it?

In addition to having a responsibility to its customers, Apple has one to its shareholders, and that option is clearly damaging to shareholders.

Ultimately, however, this whole thing is a rather absurd discussion. Are we really arguing over a $1.99 download? And since when did the Wall Street Journal have a cadre of reporters assigned to covering Apple’s accounting treatments?

Can we be done with it now?

And the joke comes full circle!

Artie MacStrawman.

Step 1: Crazy Apple Rumors invents Artie MacStrawman.

Step 2: Someone starts an Artie MacStrawman blog (actually, the second Artie MacStrawman blog).

Step 3: Irony-deficient security enthusiast takes Artie MacStrawman to task for being… Artie MacStrawman.

I’ll just leave you with this last bit of ignorance from the Artie MacStrawman blog, “I love Apple, Mac OS X is invulnerable and I’d jump off a cliff if Steve asked me to.” and “The Mac is utterly impregnable to attack. I’ll never switch to Windows or Ubuntu or something.” That sums up the thinking of most OS X users… a flawed sort of logic that really makes me believe that OS X is the new Linux… at least when it comes to cocky, arrogant, know-it-all users….

You can’t write this stuff.

Everything you can buy is a rip-off

Such is the implication of a piece on the Test Bed.

The Macalope has had a good chuckle at the meat-heads who like to say that Microsoft’s inability to ship a real operating system update for five years is a feature, but the Test Bed’s Emil Larsen — if his whimsically entitled piece “OS X is a rip-off” is to be taken seriously — must be the gristle of head meats.

This is the extent to which Emil covers the features Apple released in every update of OS X:

Apple, on the other hand, charged for OS X updates; sure they had new features – DVD playback, better CD/DVD writing capabilities and interface goodies like gui dpi control, but with v10.1 Apple had the cheek to charge for CD burning and only a minority of people took advantage of v10.3’s “fast user switching”…

Uh, Quartz? FileVault? Safari? iChat? Dashboard? Exposé? Spotlight? Smart Folders? Automator?

Any of those ringing a bell?

Many of those are features you can only now get on Windows by upgrading to Vista and you could have had them a year and half ago when Tiger came out. Earth to Larsen: that’s worth something.

Helloooooo? Anybody home?

Nope. Looks like Larsen must have stepped off the planet.

Larsen’s basis of comparison is looking at each release of OS X, adding up what each cost and then comparing it the price of Vista Home Premium. This is really not comparing apples to apples (no pun intended). Vista Home Premium, for example, can’t be used in a domain/AD-based LAN and OS X can. But, the Macalope is willing to spot him that particular point.

He’s not willing to spot him some other assumptions, however. For instance, how many people really bought Cheetah? The Macalope did, but ran it purely experimentally. It frankly was not ready for prime time and shipped so Apple could say that it shipped OS X. Puma was the first usable version (although most people probably didn’t convert until Jaguar shipped). So, a more realistic comparison is to add the price for Puma, Jaguar, Panther and Tiger for a total of $516 U.S.

Vista Home Premium’s suggested retail price is $159 (note: the Macalope is using suggested retail prices for both operating systems instead of Larsen’s trick of using suggested retail prices for OS X and discounted prices for Vista). If you’re still stupid enough to believe Larsen’s thesis that it’s not worth something to get a feature sooner rather than later then OS X is about 3 times more expensive than Windows. On planet Stupid.

So, advantage Windows!

Well, no.

If not having features to actually use is somehow itself a feature, then two can play at that game.

Because it’s not like Apple held a gun to your head and forced you to upgrade. You could have simply bought Puma (or Jaguar) and not upgraded again until Tiger. Then OS X is only 1.6 times as expensive as Windows. Or, you could have not bought anything and simply continued to use OS 9.2! Or 8.5! Or 7.1! Or a slide rule with the Mac OS smiley face drawn on it!

Advantage Mac!

Conversely, by Larsen’s logic Microsoft could never release another version of Windows again and be infinitely more cost-effective than the Mac!

Advantage Windows!

Ugh.

Do the people at the Test Bed know that if they don’t have any good material they can just not post that day?