Category: Silly Pundits

No link for you!

Dvorak.

The Macalope has been both chastised for linking to silly pundits looking to enjoy ill-gotten hits by senselessly bashing the Mac and for not linking to them and allowing readers to decide for themselves.

But if there’s one silly pundit who does not under any circumstances deserve a link, it’s John Dvorak. He’s already admitted on camera that he does it deliberately, so no link for John. Mr. Gruber has already covered Dvorak’s weird personal phobias (and he provides a link if you want to read the piece yourself), so let’s look at some other incendiary quotes from his piece ostensibly arguing Linux stands to make some gains on Vista.

You can tell he’s just out to rile Mac users from the get-go.

From what I can tell, the Mac community likes Vista more than the PC community.

Wha-huh? You may be mistaking lack of concern for praise, John, because, frankly, we’re kind of over Windows.

From there Dvorak slides into a bunch of silly “PC users are from Mars, Mac users are from Venus” crap that makes it apparent he hasn’t laid hands on a Mac since the early 1990s and is simply recycling the same material he used to put on the back page of MacUser magazine.

Really, just how right-brained is the Unix system structure, John?

When it comes to the Apple-versus-PC battle, one oft-neglected discussion is that the majority of people do not like Macs. Get over it, it’s true.

Well, actually, the Macalope would note that the majority of people have not even used a Mac, but for the sake of argument, he’ll concede the point. They’ve at least chosen the PC over the Mac and maybe you can define that as “liking” it more.

But why don’t they “like” Macs?

They don’t like them because they don’t have the breadth of applications that are available on the PC (particularly games), they have traditionally been harder to find (the Apple Store is changing that), you can’t buy really cheap(ly made) Macs and because they’re just used to using Windows at work. Dvorak seems to be implying that people prefer the Windows interface and for most people (but not all people) it’s not that at all. They may be used to the Windows interface, but that doesn’t mean that if they were able to look at the two objectively they wouldn’t prefer the Mac.

And there is the much-discussed odd nature of the fringe Mac users who are cultlike and often psycho in their behavior: They see the machine as an extension of themselves and defend it from criticism with an unpleasant vehemence.

As opposed to those who criticize it with an unpleasant vehemence and profit in doing so. Look, any time someone likes something quite a lot, they tend to defend it. How is that more bizarre than conducting a 15-year editorial campaign against a minority platform?

If Dvorak were at least trying to form a legitimate argument against the Mac — and you can form a legitimate argument against the Mac, the Macalope has already made a better one than Dvorak did — it would be one thing, but we already know he’s just whacking at the hornets’ nest hoping to stir up some hits because he’s told us right to the camera that that’s his shtick.

This article is a twofer of linky goodness for Dvorak. He get hits from the Linux community by being a big-name columnist praising the operating system and he gets hits from the Apple community by — inexplicably — blaming the shortcomings of Vista on the Macintosh.

Wow.

If you listen closely, you can still hear the echo of the girlish squeal of delight he emitted upon dreaming up this twisted feat of logic.

If Vista has a tough row to hoe in convincing Windows users to upgrade it’s because:

  1. Microsoft left its users on XP for five years instead of providing incremental upgrades to ease the transition.
  2. To “enjoy” the Aero glass interface elements, many users will have to upgrade their hardware.
  3. Microsoft is offering so many versions of Vista you need a wizard to determine which one you should buy.
  4. The thing is DRM-ed out the yin-yang.
  5. It’s simply getting reviewed poorly.

The Linux Foundation is an attempt to solve some of the problems with Linux and make it a better desktop alternative. Hopefully will pay off, but it’s not going to happen during the Vista introduction.

No, the biggest threat to Vista currently is the Mac and Dvorak knows that. His absurd attempt to blame a potentially lackluster Vista rollout on Apple is just another in a long string of his annoying attempts to use Mac users.

It’s way past time we stopped playing along.

The Peter Principle

Wharton’s Peter Fader provides a compelling argument for changing majors.

Wharton marketing professor Peter Fader provides today’s object lesson in why an MBA may be a tremendous waste of your time.

Fader is asked his opinion of the iPhone, the AppleTV and Steve Jobs and manages to get just about everything wrong.

He even breaks out our old friend, Artie MacStrawman.

Pete Mortensen and innerdaemon do a good job of deconstructing much of Fader’s absurd analysis, but the Macalope loves a good piling on, so he’ll try to hit some points they declined to.

I think that when this phone actually hits the market, some of the grand visions of Steve Jobs has as well as some of the Apple zealots are going to be rather disappointed.

Use of the term “Apple zealots” should automatically disqualify you as an impartial judge of the company, let alone passing yourself off as someone competent enough to be teaching marketing to anyone other than members of the Microsoft management training program.

In fairness, it’s quite possible that Fader got his ass kicked by some Mac users back in grade school and has never gotten over it. If that is the case, the Macalope would like to apologize to Fader on behalf of Mac users everywhere.

Asked if $500 is too high for the iPhone, Fader says:

Well it’s not going to be too high for the first few hundred thousand people who just have to have it. You can charge them anything and they’ll pay anything.

Ah, those must be those craaaaazy Apple zealots! Of course we’ll pay anything! We’re Steve Jobs’ butt monkeys!

NEW ORDERS HAVE BEEN RECEIVED FROM APPLE HQ. REPORT TO CINGULAR RETAIL OUTLETS TO RECEIVE NEW DEVICE. BRING LARGE BILLS. THAT IS ALL.

Please. This kind of childish crap can be refuted with two words: G4 Cube.

Also, while it’s not at the same level, the Macalope would like to point out the time when we came together as a community and stood up and said “No!” to iPod socks.

But for the mass market, if they really want to create something that is anywhere close to what the iPod did, it is very expensive.

Right you are, Petey. Because it’s not like the original iPod was considered too expensive.

Wait, what?

Not to mention that Fader’s concern seems rather foolish with today’s revelation that the $500 will include 18 months of service as AT&T attempts to go for the market share gold. [Scratch that. AT&T sez no. (link via Daring Fireball and Jared Rice in comments).]

And, I think on the feature side, it doesn’t really have that many features.

Are we talking about the same phone? The one that’s an iPod, a phone and a breakthrough internet communications device? The phone with a full web browser? That phone?

Did you see that interface? That’s a feature. A feature you will use every single time you touch the phone. And it’s a feature none of the other phones have.

The problem with Fader’s analysis of “features” is he’s looking at some checklist he’s thrown together of “features” such as “upgradeable memory” and “removable battery” and “FM tuner” and, well, golly, the iPhone don’t got none o’ those.

Well, yes, dumbass, that’s going to happen when you just count “features” of other phones (many of which no one will give a crap about when they see the iPhone’s interface) and don’t count features of the iPhone that are less tangible.

As an example, which of these two features are more important to you?

  1. An FM tuner.
  2. The ability to just guess how something works and be right about 99% of the time.

The Macalope’s thinking #2 is just a tad more important, is not on Fader’s list of “features” and will be one of the big differentiating factors bewteen the iPhone and pretty much every other phone on the market.

On Steve Jobs, Fader says:

He’s a brilliant man but he’s of course very mercurial…

Of course! He must be! Someone wrote it on the bathroom wall at CES!

…he’s unpredictable and he’s very private.

“Unpredictable”? Really? Then why is Fake Steve so dead-on all the time? Jobs is, actually, fairly predictable. If you have enough imagination.

As far as I know there were no announcements about the Mac. That really is the bread and butter of the company.

Actually, no, it’s not really, love chunks. The iPod generated about 48% of the company’s revenue in the last quarter compared to 43% from Mac products.

And it’s a signal that they’re not going to be developing or supporting it as much as they used to.

That is simply a load of crap. While the iPod is overtaking the Mac as Apple’s most prominent product, the fact is that Steve Jobs chose to roll out the iPhone in dramatic fashion and that says nothing about the company’s support for the Mac.

How is it that Microsoft can go five years without a major update to Windows and Jobs fails to devote time to the Mac — after devoting almost all of his WWDC keynote to it just five months ago — and Apple’s suddenly dropping the Mac?

The interview is really an indictment of Wharton’s marketing department and if the Macalope were dean he’d call up Knowledge@Wharton and have them pull the thing immediately.

Jackassery, thy name is Enderle

Nothing new here, really. Just Enderle being Enderle. The Macalope will understand if you want to go read something else.

Rob Enderle, folks (tip o’ the antlers to Les Posen).

Let’s do this thing.

Rob predicts a bad year for Apple (when has he not?) and thinks the iPhone’s not going to help.

It comes in at a nosebleed price…

It is on the high end, but did you see the interface on that thing? Holy crap.

…it has really lousy estimated battery life…

Well, it’s all relative, isn’t it? What other combination video iPod, cell phone and computer with a robust web browser, email client and media management system has a better battery life?

Oh, that’s right…

…it uses the aging 2.5G wireless network…

Aging and ubiquitous.

…and both the hardware and the OS on it are relatively new — read probably buggy.

Well, sure. There are going to be bugs at first.

Is that all you got, Rob?

Sadly, no.

Because the iPhone is still months off, many who might have otherwise purchased an iPod in the first half of the year will likely hold and wait to see this thing before they purchase.

When they will purchase either an iPod or an iPhone. So some sales may get deferred, but not lost.

But what are they waiting for, exactly? The iPod part is the known quantity. It’s the phone part people might be unsure of. If anything the Macalope thinks people are going to hold off on their phone purchases.

Now, readers, you may want to wrap an Ace bandage or some cellophane around your head before you read the next paragraph, just to keep it from exploding.

That should put a drag on iPod sales on top of what typically comes after a really good quarter — and its fourth quarter 2006 was a really good quarter. A lot of folks have new iPods as a result, and these people won’t be buying new ones anytime soon.

BLAM!

Yes, this is Rob Enderle’s special alchemy: spinning good news for Apple as bad news for Apple. How does he do it?!

But, congratulations, Rob. You’ve discovered cyclicality.

Even if you have completely misunderstood it.

In addition, this is Vista launch. Regardless of whether folks flock to Vista, the massive marketing campaign will probably drown out anything Apple does and make it difficult to maintain sales.

Just like CES drowned out Macworld.

And, remember, when you’re trying to make a point it’s only necessary to discuss how one company’s initial release of something will have bugs.

Oh, and that company’s name should always be “Apple.”

If the company had rolled out Leopard or some new hardware to fight back with at MacWorld [sic], it might have held on. Such was not the case, though, and that means Apple will have an aging operating system on aging hardware that probably won’t get the needed refresh until mid-year if Apple hits it dates — and given the lack of Leopard content at MacWorld [sic], the company probably won’t hit its dates.

“It might have held on”? Right. Someone cue Ed Harris yelling at Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in The Abyss.

And “aging operating system”? Tiger will be all of 2 when Leopard is released. How old is XP again?

It’s very clear that the lack of Leopard content at Macworld (still a small “w”, thank you very much!) was an effort to drum up the iPhone, not to disrespect the Mac.

But, shh. Rob’s just gettin’ rollin’ now. Right over a cliff.

Speculation that Steve Jobs will take a leave of absence is continuing to spread.

Rob, the unsubstantiated rumor you link to was from before the keynote and was widely speculated to have been spread by jackasses looking to influence Apple’s stock price so they could buy low and sell high. Your decision to include it in your supposedly serious analysis is why you are the laughing stock of the Apple community.

Even if he doesn’t leave to fight the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission), the distraction the broadening investigation is going to have on the executive staff and board will be a huge problem.

Not according to several Wall Street analysts who may yet prove wrong but whose opinions the Macalope would take over yours on topics ranging from “Apple, Inc.” to “how to spell ‘Enderle'”.

There is nothing like going to court against the strongest networking and the strongest telecom hardware company at the same time to keep folks distracted from what they otherwise should be doing.

Since when does Apple’s legal team design or market its products? And, you know, it’s not exactly like Apple’s never been sued before. The “iPhone” spat may end up being expensive and the company may take it on anyway for branding continuity, but no matter what the Apple phone is called when it’s released, it will still smell as awesome.

Apple is clearly not going away — but this year, compared to last, will be really nasty for the company.

Well, actually, the Macalope expects that this year may be harder than last year. But “really nasty”? You wish.

Dear Fortune's David Kirkpatrick…

More “Apple must license OS X” nonsense.

The Macalope has read your piece entitled Windows on the Mac changes everything and he wonders what you were drinking last night that you woke up this morning and decided that history begins right now.

At MacWorld [sic], a little company called Parallels won awards for the latest version of its hit product, which enables you to run both operating systems at the same time on a Macintosh. It’s a major breakthrough.

First of all, it’s “Macworld.” Small “w”.

Second, it was a major breakthrough… about thirteen years ago. Sure, it’s a hell of a lot faster now that Apple’s on Intel, but let’s give Insignia, Connectix and OrangePC some props, shall we?

Both companies’ products specifically aimed at the Mac will remain self-consciously crippled in order to satisfy Apple’s demands that users not be encouraged to put Mac OS on a non-Apple machine. But pressures seem to be building in a way that Apple and Jobs will increasingly have a hard time controlling.

Hard != impossible.

Even if Apple didn’t somehow use Intel’s Trusted Computing technology to make running OS X on non-Apple hardware harder [UPDATE: In response to several commenters, yes, the Macalope knows Apple does not currently use Trusted Computing, his point was simply that that could be one way to control the hardware that OS X runs on. There is no evidence that they would even do this, however.] and even if it didn’t take legal action against those who enable it, it can simply not support it. Then it would be run by a smattering of hackers and geeks who probably aren’t Apple customers anyway. Any business, school or home user would find the proposition a non-starter because here’s how a support call would go:

Apple: Hello, Apple support.

Dimwit using OS X on a Dell: Hi, I’m having a problem printing.

Apple: OK. Can you tell me what version of the operating system and what Mac you’re using?

Dimwit using OS X on a Dell: I’m running 10.4 on a Dell Dimension.

Apple: (click)

Dimwit using OS X on a Dell: Hello? Hello?

Maybe what’s confused you, Dave, is that Michael Dell is not the lathe of heaven. His dreams do not become reality.

The pressures are building on Steve Jobs. Eventually, as virtualization improves, it will prove harder and harder not to accede to Dell and others who want to sell his software in different ways.

Right. Please explain how that statement is different than this one the Macalope just made up:

As David Kirkpatrick’s stalking of Beyoncé Knowles becomes more belligerent, it will prove harder and harder for her not to accede to his desire to have sex with her.

Yes, VMWare and Parallels would love to sell OS X virtualization for non-Apple hardware and, yes, Dell would love to sell hardware that ran OS X and drive Apple out of the hardware business.

But why, Dave, would it be in Apple’s interest to simply hand its hardware business over to these companies? It makes sense for them, but it doesn’t make sense for Apple.

Apple makes the iPod, the Mac and soon the iPhone. All of these platforms are closed to varying degrees because that’s Apple’s business model. If you took a few minutes to pull your head out of your ass, you might have heard that somewhere.

Silly pundits everywhere would like to see Apple open these platforms up for no other reason than it would satisfy their desire to report a big story in the industry. As Apple is not insane it’s currently just a useful tool to try to bash the company over the head with and create a controversy out of something that’s more important to the pundit class than it is to the user base.

So, Dave, if we’re going to be forced to endure your stilted technology industry fan fiction, at least give your main character some motivation.

Sincerely,
The Macalope

I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas!

Wow.

With the increasing popularity of the Mac, whether it’s from Apple’s “Get a Mac” ads or Microsoft’s own failings, there’s been a whole new cottage industry developing.

The Macalope is talking, of course, about the faux switcher.

What’s a faux switcher, you ask? (You’re always so helpful when the Macalope wants to engage in exposition! Thanks!)

A faux switcher is someone who has absolutely no intention of switching but writes a piece pretending to have considered it and lists their extremely lame and/or lazy excuses for not.

You may remember that lawyer fellow a few weeks back, but this week’s entrant into the Faux Switcher Olympics is one Matt Hartley at OSWeekly.

Why Apple Lost Me As A Potential User.

I’d like to go on record and say that I really don’t have anything against Apple whatsoever.

Sure you don’t, Matt. Why would we think that?

My better half is a Mac fan times twenty and uses it with great joy each day. She uses a Mini and PowerBook of the PowerPC variety.

Well, the Macalope hopes it’s of the PowerPC variety, otherwise she’s using a laptop that’s over ten years old.

Now, it seems Matt was all set to buy a Mac (sure, Matt) until a friend asked for some help installing the trial version of Office on his new MacBook.

Wait, what?

My task was to get the trial version of MS Office installed so that my friend could get caught up on a few things before finally buying a copy of Office a few days later.

Wait, Matt…

What a nightmare that was!

Stop. Stop.

First off, Matt, a nightmare is being chased by dead relatives reanimated as killer zombies, not failure to complete a simple drag-and-drop operation, exclamation marks not withstanding.

Second, the Macalope feels compelled to point out that the MacBook comes with a trial version of Office already installed.

This is not starting well, Matt.

Firefox and software installations, talk about a walk on the wild side!

Again with the exclamation marks! What! Is! Up! With! That?!

This dragging of an application to the dock and then to the applications folder is not something that I found to be all that intuitive.

Uh…

Wow.

Really? Because…

Wow.

Actually, the instructions you link to show that it’s the other way around — drag it to the Applications folder and then to the dock — so maybe it’s a reading comprehension problem.

Have you tried Hooked on Phonics?

To be honest, I’m surprised that more converts over the Mac don’t find this a little bit strange. Perhaps it’s just me?

Yes. It’s just you.

So, Matt, you say you had a couple of problems even you admit are probably not Apple’s fault and then can’t get over the idea of dragging and dropping an application to install it.

Is the Macalope clear on that?

Is your wife there? Can you put her on the phone? Because… damn, woman.

Macs: Great for Those Who Prefer the UI.

Not so great for those who prefer to have their temperature taken rectally.

Or something. Frankly, the Macalope’s still not sure what his real complaint is other than that he’s just never used a Mac before.

And there’s not much Apple can do about that, now, is there?

As for me, you couldn’t get me to use one again if you paid me.

Hey, fine with us, Matt. If you prefer to stay ignorant of the simplest of tasks and would rather click through an extensive installation process than doing a drag and drop, that’s your choice.

We do ask, however, that you stop writing about the Mac.

Actually…

…”demand” is probably a better word.

Really.

Just knock it off.

Fans of the Simpsons will recognize the title.

Sex sells. Sex and Apple.

ZDNet has a controversial incentive plan for its bloggers.

Nick Carr points out a post by Steve Rubel who links to an interview with a ZDNet blogger who says that ZDNet pays them for each click their posts get.

Take a look at the list of top stories on ZDNet which Rubel links to.

The Macalope is sure that the fine bloggers at ZDNet are above trolling for hits.

Uh…

On the other hand, maybe this explains George Ou.

Well, that and lead exposure at an early age.

iPhone iPhud

Scoble lives a rich fantasy life.

The Macalope’s not sure why he’s bothering with this, but Robert Scoble links favorably to a list of supposed items that are wrong with the iPhone and then adds his own items.

If the Macalope may respond…

  1. “How do you operate your phone under a table at a meeting”? This is exactly why Apple’s design is better than Microsoft’s. The five jackasses who need to do that — instead of paying attention to the meeting — can keep stroking their Blackberrys under the table.
  2. A closed system is disappointing, but it does have the advantage of more tightly controlling the user experience (well, at least one could argue that) and may have been a cost of getting the Cingular deal done (not that anyone’s doing handsprings over that). So this point has some merit.
  3. Cingular-only in the U.S. is a drawback but, hey, you wan’ an iPhone or not? Eh? Apple ain’t got all day, buddy. Got decisions to make. Time’s a-wastin’.
  4. Ah, it’s vaporware. Yes, it’s nice that no other company in the industry announces products before they’re ready to ship. Cough. Like one Scoble used to work for. Cough. Quite frankly, for some of the stuff he’s written in the past, Scoble should be barred from ever using the term or linking favorably to a piece that accuses anyone other than Microsoft of announcing vaporware.
  5. Both Kedrosky and Scoble list the iPhone’s price as $599. Cute. It starts at $499, bitches, and please point to another device with the same feature set that costs less at either price point.
  6. Apple lists the battery life while playing video at 5 hours, not the 2 Scoble claims. Several commenters called him out on this and he said he’s “going off of what people are telling me here at CES” (not that they might have an axe to grind) but will correct it if someone provides a link because he can’t be bothered to go to apple.com/iphone. To be sure, it won’t really get 5 hours, but 2? Ooh, those grapes they’re serving at CES are sour.
  7. Apple went with the largest carrier in the U.S. (Cingular) and the most ubiquitous technology (GSM). It’s not an everything-to-everyone device that uses every niche technology including your personal favorite. You were expecting something else from Apple? It also doesn’t have a floppy drive, PS/2 adapter or DVD/RAM. Sorry!
  8. As David Pogue points out, the camera also benefits from the ability to frame your picture in a large screen. That’s at least a draw without even getting into what you can actually do with your picture after that.
  9. Scoble complains that at “$600” it should have GPS. Please point to the device that has all the features the iPhone has and GPS. What about an FM tuner? A compass? Little tweezers and a toothpick? Speaking personally, the Macalope won’t buy a “$600” device unless it has a corkscrew.

Finally, Scoble doesn’t mention the thing that kicks every other phone and the Zune’s butt up and down the street: the interface. All anti-iPhone arguments that do not mention the interface should be considered trolling.

UPDATE: In comments, Scoble says he still intends to buy an Apple iPhone, so you can temper your reading of the above with that. He also says that if Microsoft had shipped this phone we’d be deriding it as the worst phone ever shipped. Again, the sourness of those grapes, but the Macalope would posit that Microsoft is inherently incapable of shipping this product at this time. If they were, it would have (or should have) been the Zune.

Projection

Enderle. Again.

The Macalope hates to devote even the smallest amount of his valuable time to Rob Enderle, but he simply had to add some comments to Mr. Gruber’s post about Enderle’s latest.

Enderle writes:

For those of us who really follow Apple, it is common knowledge that the company you see from the CEO on down is a construct. The public “Steve Jobs” is a character created by Apple’s agency played by a guy named “Steve Jobs” — that’s why Apple doesn’t like the Jobs biographies — they break the image. Had they gone the Ronald McDonald route, they could probably keep the name and change the guy.

That is pretty funny, actually. Not really true, but funny.

But what’s funnier is that if there were ever someone who has made a construct of themselves it’s Rob Enderle.

Enderle has become the go-to-guy for a negative quote about Apple. Reporters, striving for “balance” during a time when Apple is riding high have no further to look than the esteemed head of the eponymous Enderle Group.

Who cares if he’s almost always gob-smackingly wrong about Apple?

Enderle actually makes a decent point about how Microsoft should stick to its guns and try to “be in everything” instead of trying to play Apple’s game which is “make the whole widget.”

Then he goes all ka-ka-koo-koo bananas and lashes out at Apple “journalists” for not being inquisitive enough.

ComScore, on the other hand, does custom work for vendors. What it does is valuable, but if Microsoft were to use a ComScore study to disprove an IDC or Forrester study, I doubt many would be foolish enough to believe it. I’ll bet not a single Apple “journalist” actually looked up what ComScore did before avidly publishing the company’s results. Suddenly, vendor-funded studies are ok?

Enderle manages to get through his “Old man Enderle wants you kids to get off his lawn” routine without mentioning Piper Jaffray or any of the other sources that backed up comScore’s data.

Hmm. Who’s not inquisitive?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooootch?

Rob Enderle: occasionally correct, but always fantastically wrong.

Bor-ing!

The Apple phone will fail, blah, blah, blah.

The Register had a piece a few days ago on why the Apple phone (née “the iPhone”) — you know, the phone the company has not announced and no one has seen and we don’t even know if it really exists let alone what its feature set or pricing will be — will most definitely, totally, absolutely, 100% with certainty fail.

The Macalope’s not going to link to it because there’s very little point in reading it (duh!) and, el Reg, if you’re going to be brazenly, stupidly, have no idea what you’re talking about contrarian, you should at least bring something fresh to the game. This territory has already been covered.

Never too late to look stupid

Rob Enderle, naturally.

In a snippet entitled “Apple’s Collapse” (scroll to the bottom), Rob Enderle shows that not only does he have trouble with comprehension — as we’ve long known — he’s also just a very slow reader. While he apparently hasn’t caught up with Thursday’s RSS feeds, he’s not letting that get in the way of stepping into the wrong side of a controversy.

Forrester has to be having a fun week hearing from the Apple fans after it announced that iTunes music sales had “collapsed,” dropping 65 percent.

Enderle then discusses the implications of this without pointing out the sample size or even noticing that it has been directly refuted by comScore and Piper Jaffray.

This would be outrageous if his word counted for anything but, well, it doesn’t.

The Enderle Group: providing last week’s analysis today.